Ok, 35 minutes later, I'm staring into space in front of the computer listening to the barely audible sound of the rain falling outside. It's quiet, really quiet, and I'm not bored, more like lonely and craving human interaction. Not from my mother or brother, after all, how often do I hang out with them even when they're home? But maybe a friend. yeah, I wish I'd asked someone over to hang out for a while. But who? Everyone's got their own lives, they seem too busy for me sometimes. But I can't really talk, I'm too busy for people sometimes too. If I wanna go out with a friend now, I've got to book in advance.
"Are you free on friday?"
"No, how about monday?"
"Sorry, I can't make it then, there's tuition, another day?"
"how about next week?"
then
"argh forget it, let's wait 'til we're all more free, which will be sometime at the end of the year."

Selfish self-centered rambling and I hate myself for it. If there were two of me, one half would kill the other, then kill itself, I don't think I could stand myself.

The number of true friends I have now seems to have dwindled. They've all got other cliques, their own other groups of friends and the groups don't include me. That's a selfish thing to say, I'm wallowing in self-pity and this is a selfish post, all about me, me me. Me with a capital 'm-e'. And I hate myself for that. Hate myself for being so self-centered. Sick of myself sometimes.

warning: self-indulgent whining ahead.

Where's the group of friends I once had, way back when i was 8 to 11 years old, that wacky bunch of boys and girls, the people whom once were so important to me? The nine of us meant the world to each other. The stupid things we did as young children; remember the time we camped out in the - I think it was Celeste's - garden and refused to go in, then it got too cold and in the middle of the night we slept in her laundry room?
Where are all of you now? I've only seen Ryan, and that was in September last year. He's changed so much. I've changed so much. We're all so much older. Everyone's so different. I bet if I ran head-on into all of you now, we wouldn't recognise each other. Do you all still keep in contact? We'd be, what, an age range of 17 to 19 years old now. Almost 10 years of not hanging around each other like the plague; after grade six a lot of us parted ways.
Sometimes I wish I were a kid again, when nothing mattered but meeting at someone's house and watching videos, playing on the trampoline and all the other kiddy stuff we loved.


I guess it's nostalgia. I don't think I should be left alone. At least when the family's around it's too noisy, thus it's harder to reminice and yearn for the 'good old days'. I'm searching, wishing, trying to re-create one of the best times of my life here and now, and it's not working, I don't think it will ever, so I should just accept what I have now, just give up and get dragged away by the current.